I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
