I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We were destined to go to rehab together
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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