so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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