Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
