Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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