Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Your dad touched me again.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
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He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
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Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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