so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
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Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
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I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'