i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
