Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
