it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize