if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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