Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
