I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
