This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
