The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
