Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
