I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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