what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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