dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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