He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
