Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
