I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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