im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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