If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
