OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
