Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
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I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
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Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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