I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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