the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
