i need an iv and a liver transplant
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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