Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
