Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
