We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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