your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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