The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
