New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
