I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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