I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize