dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
