Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
