**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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