Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
