so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s