Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
