You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
