Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
