Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
