My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
