Banned from zoo.
Again?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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