I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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