Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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