Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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