If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
