I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
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I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
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red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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